Rose Colored Memories
by thestarlitrose
Summary: John Smith tells the Matron of his late wife Rose after having a tumble down the stairs. A different look at the Journal of Impossible things, What if Rose wasn't just a dream?


_***READ THIS FIRST***_

_This story takes place after Rose is stranded on the Parallel Earth. I always felt that she was indeed pregnant with The Doctors Child and thought it was rather clear that he knew she had been lying. I always thought that he probably had some sort of choice in what he remembered I thought that he would probably want to remember her. After all Rose had been a huge part of his life since the Time War and they clearly cared for each other. So in this story the Doctor is fobwatched but still remembers Rose... Just as his wife instead of just his lover. I also always felt that Joan was rather forward with him and it never setled well with me. This is my first published Fic so I'm pretty excited to see how it goes! I also am planning to do a follow up story of The Doctor and Martha discussing Rose.  
_

**Rose Colored Memories**

He's sitting there trying not to squirm while Joan is cleaning the cut on his head. He really wishes she would walk away, she had already been rather forward with him about the dance. She was nice enough... but he just wasn't ready to become involved with another woman. It was still too soon for him, he was still mourning the loss of his Rose. He still missed her, he knew that Rose would want him to move on and be happy but god he missed that woman. He wiggled again trying to get comfortable... besides it really did hurt!

"Stop it. I get boys causing less fuss than this. " she scolded

He couldn't help but pout at that "Because it hurts!" A few moments later his maid Martha burst through the door. She was a very sweet girl but sometimes he wondered if she cared more than she should about him. For one it was highly improper and two she wasn't the type of woman he would ever consider romantically for many reasons. He really should start wearing his wedding band again, then maybe he wouldn't end up in these situations.

"Is he alright?" Martha asked. John sighed and thought to himself no I am not alright! I have a very forward Matron cleaning my wound and my overprotective maid bursting into my study when I have better things to be doing.

"Excuse me, Martha. It's hardly good form to enter a master's study without knocking." He was starting to get rather annoyed with the two females in his study, this was embarrassing enough without the two of them bickering.

"Sorry, right, yeah." He watches Martha walk out the door then knock and come back in "But is he alright?" She then looks over to him and says " They said you fell down the stairs, Sir."

He was defiantly getting annoyed and he couldn't possibly feel more embarrassed at that moment. This was just not his day. "No, it was just a tumble, that's all." he mumbled

"Have you checked for concussion?" he heard Martha ask

"I have. And I daresay I know a lot more about it than you." he sighed this is going to get even more awkward than it already was.

"Sorry. I'll just... " she said looking at him "Tidy your things." then began to put things into order and tidy up a bit.

He needed to change the subject before things get unbearable "I was just telling Nurse Redfern- Matron, um, about my dreams. They are quite remarkable tales..." he paused "I keep imagining that I'm someone else, and that I'm hiding-"

"Hiding? In what way?" Joan asked as he noticed Martha leave his study, perhaps to give them privacy.

"Um... er... almost every night... " he laughs nervously "This is going to sound silly-"

"Tell me."

he was going to sound certifiably insane, he had never told anyone of his dreams except for Rose. " I dream, quite often, that I have two hearts. " he said shyly

"Well then, I can be the judge of that." she told him as she took her stethoscope and put it to his chest "I can confirm the diagnosis- just one heart, singular." well he knew that already

"I have written down some of these dreams in the form of fiction... um... not that it would be of any interest.." why did he just tell her that? That was his private thoughts in there! Maybe he was more injured than he thought...

"I'd be very interested. " she told him... was she flirting again?

"Well... I've never shown it to anyone before." that's a lie he thought... His wife knew all about his dreams. She had always loved hearing tales about his alter-ego The Doctor and his magical blue box.

"Journal of Impossible Things" Joan said aloud

opening the journal she began to flip through the pages "Just look at these creatures! Such imagination." she exclaimed!  
**  
"**Mmm. It's become quite a hobby." he said trying to hide his nervousness and his confusion for even letting her see it. Really! what has gotten into him! Joan kept skimming the pages and seemed to be truly interested in what was there.

Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea he thought and then froze when he saw the page she was on. He had sketched Rose after having another dream about losing her. He remembered that dream, she always kept walking away and no matter how fast he ran he could never catch up to her. After waking up in a cold sweat he had pulled out his journal and sketched the picture of her. He was finding it harder and harder to picture her beautiful face as time went on. He was terrified that he would one day forget her eyes that would shine with such love for him. Or that mischievous smile she would give him when she was up to something so utterly Rose. "It's wonderful. And quite an eye for the pretty girls." Joan said with a hint of jealousy.

He froze, she just had to go and mention that drawing. He could lie to her, tell Joan that she wasn't real. That his Rose was just a dream... but he couldn't do that. He could never do that to Rose and Joan needed to know. Even if he never did decide to court the woman maybe it would be good for someone at this god forsaken school to know. Besides it had been too long since he had spoken aloud of his late wife. "She was my wife, she's gone now... her name was Rose" he said quietly.

"What happened to her?" Joan asked trying not to let curiosity get the best of her. As much as it pained her to see John sad she never could pass up a good story and she could tell that this Rose had meant an awful lot to him.

"She died giving birth to our first child, a son."

She didn't expect that, she had assumed maybe this Rose had left him or died in some sort of accident. Not something so tragic, she almost felt guilty for flirting so with him. "I'm sorry John, that must have been so hard raising a son on your own. Where is he now that you are working here at the school?"

"He didn't make it, he died with his mother... I lost them both that day." Why was he telling her this he thought to himself. He didn't know her well enough and gods it hurt talking about his late wife. He should have just lied, It would have saved so much grief. Whenever she was brought up before it was with people who knew her, who knew that she had been expecting and who knew the fate she suffered. It was the first time in such a long time that he had to really think about that terrible day, the day that should have been the second most joyful day of their lives. He couldn't help but take a moment to wonder what life would be like if they had lived. Would they of had more children? Would he have been a good father? Would James have been more like himself or Rose? Would they spend Sunday...

"Oh John, I'm so sorry!" she said interrupting his internal monologue.

He sighed "it's been years now but I still miss her terribly. It's been almost four years I believe. I thought it would be easier to speak about her by now, but it isn't."

"The grief never truly goes away, you just become better at dealing with it." Joan knew about how hard it was to lose a spouse. She had lost her husband years before and it took her a very long time to move on. She had loved her husband dearly but clearly not as much as John and Rose. She had never seen anyone look so broken while talking about the loss of someone they loved. "If you would like, I don't mind listening.. sometimes it helps to talk about them. It helps you remember."

He sat contemplating this then sighed and opened his journal to the page of his beloved. He sat just looking at her for a moment before speaking again. "I was only 12 when I met her, She was 7. My mother took her in after her entire family was lost in a rapid house fire. Rose had no other close relatives that could care for her. Rose's uncle was in the military and was in no way capable of having a child so young in his care. Mrs. Tyler was very close to my Mother throughout most of their lives, so when Rose needed a home my mother didn't think twice about taking her in." He paused for a moment to swallow his grief down before speaking again.

"She was so scared when she first arrived, She had just lost her family and then she was taken away to live with perfect strangers. To make things worse later that evening she did something to be scolded by my eldest sister. She looked as if she was going to cry and even then I couldn't bear to see her upset so I took her hand then told her to run. We ran out past the garden before we finally stopped because we were laughing so hard. It was the first time I saw her smile and that was all it took. I knew at that moment that I loved her, we never looked back after that. I knew from that moment on that she was my other half and that I never wanted to spend one moment without her by my side. We were wed when she was 19, it was the best day of my life." John said as he closed his eyes remembering that wonderful day. He saw in his minds eye her walking towards him in a white dress and a lace veil. He remembered the feel of that first kiss as her husband, her soft lips against his and the emotion both had poured into the simple gesture. The utter joy he felt at that moment was only to be surpassed by their first night as husband and wife. The completion he felt as he joined with her for the first time was soul crushing. He could feel the ghost of her hands holding him to her and see the way her tearful eyes looked up at him from below with so much love and devotion. it was almost too much, his heart was breaking all over again thinking about that wonderful night, the night that was supposed to be the beginning of forever. He looked down at his journal and began to stroke the drawing pretending he could feel her soft flesh instead of the rough parchment.

"We lived in a home not far from where I grew up, It was nothing like the home of my father but we were happy. I taught at the local school and she kept house. In the evenings we would take supper and then I would do any grading that needed to be done for the day. She would sit next to me by the fireplace and keep busy until I was finished. Afterward I would read to her or tell her stories before we went to bed for the night. Those were some of our favorite moments. I remember us wanting a child so badly at times, we feared she would never be able to conceive. It was such a relief when she told me she was with child." he took a deep breath, the rush of emotions flooding him was almost too much but he knew that if he didn't finish now he never would. Joan was right though, he did need to tell his story to someone at the school, he needed someone to talk to on the bad days.

"It was a very hard pregnancy, she was so sick for months. She never gave up though, she insisted that she help fix the nursery and that she was fully capable of tending the home even into her later months. When she finally went into labor she was so excited about becoming a mother, I could just tell by the sparkle in her eyes. I sent our neighbor to fetch the local midwife while I stayed with her." As he told the story he could see his forehead pressed to hers looking into her eyes smiling a manic grin. his hand resting firmly on her round belly. Then kissing her with all the love he had for her. "She was in labor for 16 hours, by the time the baby finally started to move she was exhausted and very weak." Another image came to mind of him holding her hand and his arms resting around her upper body trying to help give her strength in anyway he could. "I was so scared for her, she tried so hard but in the end it didn't matter. Our son was stillborn due to lack of oxygen during birth and Rose died minutes later due to blood loss. She knew that she wasn't going to make it. She looked at me and told me that she loved me. I wasted time telling her 'quite right too' and 'I suppose if it's my last chance to say it, Rose Tyler I...' but I never got a chance to finish. I saw all life leave her body before I could tell her how much I loved her. Oh but she knew... She knew." He couldn't fight it anymore and the tears began to form in his eyes. He just had to hold out a second longer.

"Joan if you don't mind would you please excuse me, I need some time alone... and please don't mention this to anyone else. You're the only one who I've told." She nodded and silently saw herself out of his study.

As she left he buried his face in his hands and sobbed. Not only did he just have to relieve the worst day of his life but he started crying like some sort of child in front of the bloody matron! Rose wouldn't want him to hurt like this, he knew that. He couldn't even bring himself to go back to their home, that's why he had ended up here! He was drowning without her to pull him back up, he needed his Rose. He missed everything about their life together, It had been perfect, everything that he had always wished for with her. They were going to be a family but the universe ripped her away from him! Not just that but their son James too! How was he supposed to continue when his world was ripped from him!

He stood up suddenly and began to pace running his hands through his hair. He was so angry at her and the world at that moment, how dare she leave him! She had promised him forever! She told him that nothing would ever tear them apart! This was her fault! Her fault that he was alone, her fault that he was broken and couldn't move on! He stopped pacing, but that's just it... she wouldn't want him to be alone. She would want him to find a new companion and move on. She would want him to remember her and their tiny son but she would want him to find someone. She would want him to be happy again, to have a family again and to have someone to spend his life with. He would try to like Joan to make Rose happy. He would give himself a chance to be happy and in love again, not for himself but for her. She would never want him to have the half life he was living without her. She had told him once if anything were to happen to her to make sure he wasn't alone, she made him promise. She said that he was to have a fantastic life. She had told him to never give up on love and to always have faith that things would one day get better. Well it was settled then, he would mourn her for the rest of that night and then in the morning he would ask Joan to the town dance. He still wasn't sure if he could ever truly love the Matron but he would try. John knew he would never love someone as much as he did Rose but that was okay because he had already found his other half, he just needed to find someone to help ease the pain of loneliness. He would live his life again for her.

Always her.


End file.
